Spoons

I had a very strange dream the other night. I dreamt that I was lying in bed with my arm around (spooning) a woman. I won't go into detail as to who the woman was because that would open a can of worms that should be left closed. What was interesting was how good it felt to have someone that close. I woke up missing that feeling. It's been a long time since I've been spooning a woman. I didn't realize how much I missed it until that dream. Its been almost 4 years since I had someone feel romantic about me. I don't know if that is a proper way of saying it, but that's what I'll go with. I'm starting to think that I'm finally missing that feeling. Now, I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about knowing that someone out there cares about me other than family. I'm a romantic at heart, but have the dating skills of a skinny 19 year old boy with no self confidence. I also have unrealistic standards. I understand that, but can't seem to help it.

I've been kind of seeing a, let's just say much younger, woman. She's very beautiful and is definitely a lot of maintenance. I say kind of seeing, because we see each other, but haven't been on a real date. Something always comes up. This is where my dilemma is. She is young, beautiful, (ex-model), and really into herself. She is used to having men throw themselves at her. I'm not the kind of man that will be able to compete with that. Some women are just not worth the price of admission. We'll see where this goes, but I'm not holding any hope.

So, I'm back where I was. I want someone to care about and someone who cares about me. My unrealistic standards get in the way. I also don't hang out where single women are. I spend most of my free time at home, on my bicycle or golfing. Not a lot of single women any of those places. I tried the online dating sites. eHarmony - every woman wants to get married, Match.com - there is a 7 to 1 ratio of men to women, Plenty of Fish - too crowded.

Maybe I'll just put it out there and see if anyone reads this blog. (So far I know Jennifer Anniston doesn't). I'm a 52 year old, slightly overweight (emphasis on slightly) man who makes a reasonable living. I have two grandchildren living with me, I can change a diaper without getting grossed out. I can feed babies and am fairly good at getting them to sleep. I am pretty good at putting car seats in a car rather quickly. I NEVER plan on ever marrying again. I live a very busy, full life. I travel a lot. I talk too much. I sing with the songs on the radio. I'm really into technology. I use Apple computers, (MacBook, MacBook Pro, iPad, iPhone, iPod, etc...) I have over 50,000 songs on my computer. I read a lot. I'm into history and mysteries. I watch comedies, romantic comedies, sci fi and Independent movies. I'm in real denial as to my age, I see a 30 something man in the mirror, not a 52 year old. I'm very shy around women, yet am a very confident salesman. I have a fairly funky stomach that I don't let get in the way of life. I am not lonely. (I NEED to emphasize that). I am very romantic. I believe in walking on the street side of a woman. I open doors for women. I get the check. I want to take care of someone, not really have anyone take care of me. Sometimes I think I understand women, and other times, they just befuddle the hell out of me.

I didn't put out there what I'm looking for. I know. I don't know what I'm looking for. Sometimes I think a 30 year old ex-model. Other times, I think someone in their 40's or 50's would be more realistic. I'm giving up on the Jennifer Anniston's of the world. Who am I kidding, I can't afford to maintain that lifestyle. And I really don't want my picture in a bathing suit at the beach all over the tabloids. Nobody wants to see that.

So there it is. It's out there. Now I'm going to sleep. Alone in a big bed. To sleep, hopefully to dream.

Deep Thoughts 1

I guess I haven't written anything in a while because I couldn't think of anything to write about. Most of my updates are now done on Facebook, (www.facebook.com/griffithguy), so I guess I'm saving my deep thoughts for here. Well, I guess I don't have many deep thoughts. I've always admitted that I am a fairly shallow man. I would think the major problem regarding the inability to have really deep thoughts is the fact that I have the attention span of a puppy. Actually, I think a puppy can focus better than I can. Here is an attempt at some deep thoughts:

Alone - I've been living alone, (unless you consider two dogs as making it not alone), since the first of the year. This is the longest I have lived alone in my life. I went straight from my parent's house to living with my now ex-wife. Even after the divorce Adrienne, Lindsey and/or Reese have been living with me. How do I like living alone, you ask. I guess I like it. The first few weeks without Reese here were pretty tough. I love and miss that little girl more than I thought I could ever love anyone. So I'm alone, I need to stress that I am not lonely. Huge difference. I like my alone time, I always have. That's one of the things I like about traveling. The time I get to be by myself.

I will say I do miss having my family here with me. Just knowing I could get a hug from them, especially Reese, was very important. Getting a hug from my dogs just doesn't cut it. I guess physical contact with other people is a primal thing that is hard to get over. I'm not one who needs to have someone to love in their life all the time. I don't think I can ever put myself out there to be able to get my heart broken again. And when I say heart broken, I'm not blaming anyone for my divorce, marriage is a two way street and both need to work at it and not take it for granted. Heart broken I was. Was is a key word in that sentence. I am not heart broken anymore. I do not pine for anyone, and don't think I ever will again. I always thought I was a romantic, but the thing is, I don't think of myself as a romantic anymore. I still like to watch romantic comedies and listen to sappy love songs, but there is no more feeling in my soul to want to go out and find someone else to be with.

A friend of mine once said "If it wasn't for the sex, I understand a gay lifestyle." I understand that. Women are too complicated, too emotional, too complex for my little attention deficit brain to comprehend. I used to think I had at least one woman figured out and we see where that ended.

I do spend a lot of my time thinking about how nice it would be to have a woman in my life. The thing is, I don't want to put any effort into making that happen. I don't go to bars, I don't online date (anymore), I'm not smooth at picking up women at grocery stores or places like that. When I fly, I have to medicate because of motion sickness so I'm too medicated (stoned) to be smooth enough to pick up anyone. So I guess I want to have a relationship only in my mind.

I don't want anyone to think I'm lonely or unhappy. Honestly, I'm happy and not the least bit lonely. I enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want. So, what am I saying? I guess I would like to have a woman to share my life with, but am not interested in having to find a woman to share my life with. Simple.

Ramblings

So here I am again killing Time in the Denver Airport. No, this won't be about Time, I think I wrote enough about that. I guess since I can't think of any one thing to write about, I'll just ramble a little.

This is my third flight in three days. My first flight this week was an early morning flight from Midway to Nashville. As usual, I was medicated and sleepy. I woke up halfway through the flight to find the guy next to me sleeping. That's not unusual except for the fact that he was sleeping with his head on my shoulder. I'm glad I was fairly stoned so it didn't creep me out as much as it would have if I had been sober.

Why is it the when you eat Cheetos, (especially the crunchy ones), you end up with more cheese powder on your hands and lips than is in the whole bag? I love Cheetos, but end up with the orange powder on everything. By the way, is the orange powder really cheese? I'm a little leery about checking the ingredients because I'm not sure I would still like them as much if I knew what was in them.

Reese. I've been crawling more these days since Reese started crawling. It's just easier to be on the same level she is. It's so much fun to watch her crawl and try to test her new found freedom. She is a doll and I am so glad she is in my life. I love the things that just fascinate her that we take for granted. She believes that everything that is within her reach is there for her to check out and taste. She got to one of the dog bones before I could get to her, she made a funny face when she tasted it.

A man I have admired for the last thirty years is in his last days on earth. I'm not sure how I would handle that. I've had to watch my father fade away and the only consolation was that he didn't know what was happening. I believe my friend knows. I feel like a cad for not visiting him, but he didn't want people to see him this way. I hope he doesn't suffer. He will pass the same way he lived his life, with class. God Speed, Mr K, God Speed.

The guy sitting next to me is talking extremely loud on his phone and laughing loudly. It is just rude. I hope he doesn't look over and read this, I don't need the hassle.

Crap! I now have orange powder on my keyboard, in my facial hair and on the white shirt I'm wearing. Damn you Cheetos! I guess I have to quit and go wash my hands and clean my keyboard and try not to ruin the shirt getting the orange powder off of it.

More later.

Major Updates

Well.....I haven't written anything since May 14th. So what has happened in the last 3+ months?

1. I moved from my childhood home to a new townhouse in Schererville.
2. My youngest daughter, Adrienne, moved to Fort Wayne.
3. I was granted custody of my Grand Daughter Reese.
4. My oldest daughter, Lindsey, moved home from Phoenix to help me with Reese.
5. We had a mini-family reunion, (all 7 siblings in one place at the same time).
6. I didn't win the lottery.
7. I still haven't had a date with Jennifer Anniston, (nor have I heard from her).
8. I went out on two dates. Two dates, one women.
9. I've irritated many people with my incessant Facebook updates.
10. I've taken over 1000 pictures of Reese.
11. I've found out that I have some great friends.
12. I've appreciated my family more than ever.
13. I've had to relearn many things about raising an infant.
14. I've learned a lot about things I never wanted to know about.
15. I've also learned a lot about myself (good and bad).
16. I'ved forged a realtionship with Reese that I'll cherish for the rest of my life.

It doesn't seem like a lot when you put it down on paper, (or on a screen), but some of these are the biggest changes in my life since my divorce.

I know I will remember the summer of 2009 as the best and worst summer of my life so far.

Happiness

What really is happiness? Yeah, I know it’s the state of being happy. But what makes you happy? I know that it’s different for everyone. Just calling my cocker Spaniel makes her thrilled to death. My Granddaughter is just as happy as can be when she’s fed and clean and not tired. Oh, if it were all it would take make the rest of that happy. We wouldn’t have the huge consumer driven society that we have. All cars would be the same. There wouldn’t be any difference in clothing or hairstyles or food or houses or, or, or…Life would be bland, but we would be happy.

I have a great job, I make good money, I have two wonderful daughters, (they are as different as night and day but I love them both.) I have the most important person in my life, my Granddaughter Reese. I love my family. My dogs think I’m some sort of god. I have some good friends, I have a nice car; I’m in pretty good health for someone my age. I can do pretty much anything I want (within reason), and yet I am rarely what you would call really happy. Why is that? I don’t think I need a woman in my life. They, as a gender, are too unpredictable and unfathomable to us men or maybe just me. I don’t consider myself a lonely guy. I value my alone time. I’m not what you would call a deep thinker; I guess you would say I am a pretty shallow thinker. I don’t ponder life’s mysteries; I just figure they are what they are.

With the world the way that it is, I don’t know ANYONE over the age of 30 that is truly happy. Too many people are out of work or on limited hours or unsure of when the next round of layoffs will hit. There doesn’t seem to be enough money to go around as there was just a year or two ago. Many of my friends are having relationship issues, whether it’s the lack of a relationship, or insecurity in their existing relationship, or are struggling with infidelity or the consequences of infidelity.

So back to the original question, “What makes us happy?” I think for most of us it would be as simple as someone paying attention to us, or having enough to eat, or a nice place to stay, or maybe peace with God (however you perceive him). Although I have all of that; true happiness eludes me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an unhappy person. I’m just not exactly happy. I tend to be optimistic. Maybe I equate happiness with being thrilled with life; I can’t always say I am always thrilled with life. It can be exquisite or it can be pure torture. There are a lot of times that life just is. It’s not great, it’s not bad, it just is. There are times when all I need to be happy is a hug. It doesn’t have to be a hug from a significant other, just from a friend. (Hopefully of the opposite sex.)

So that’s what makes us happy. Attention, food, cleanliness, peace, or maybe just a hug. I’ve been told that happiness comes from within. I’d be willing to debate that at times. I can be miserable and Reese will smile or giggle or coo or just make a funny face and whatever made me miserable is gone.

As I said earlier, I’m not a deep thinker, so maybe I’ll never figure this out. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Who knows?

Dogs

Do you ever notice that dogs are almost always happy. I think that's because they only live in the moment. They don't worry about what will happen tomorrow or next week or next month or year. They only care about what is happening Right Now. As long as they are fed and someone pays attention to them, they are happy. I think we should all be happy with that, as long as we are fed and someone pays attention to us, we should be happy.

I've been trying to live in the moment more often. I'm not saying to forget about tomorrow, I'm saying that we (by that I mean "I") need to pay more attention to today than what might happen in the future. I know that people always talk about living in the moment, I guess I want to live in the "Now". Trudy is laying by me just looking up whenever I look at her. If I say anything to her, she lifts her head and wags her tail. Bella is on the Love seat, since she's older and a little calmer, she only lifts her head when I say several things to her. She also doesn't have a tail, so her little stub will move if she's really excited about whatever I have to say.

The other thing about dogs is that they thoroughly enjoy things that we used to but now don't have time for. Like taking a walk. We as a society don't just take a walk and marvel at what's outside. The dogs are looking at everything and smelling everything. When we (I) walk we (I) normally have headphones on and walk the same route, just walking for the exercise not for the joy of just being able to walk. We (I) need to be appreciate the fact that I can just go for a walk, that I'm healthy enough to walk, that my neighborhood is safe enough for a walk, that I live in an area where the weather will permit it. I think I will walk to church today just because I can.

Have you ever noticed that dogs are just damned happy to meet you. We (I) have lost that also. Even people they have just seen, they are thrilled that someone took time out of their day and stopped by to see you and say "Hi". Because if you're a dog, why else would anyone stop by? All they are doing is stopping by to see you. They may have other reasons for stopping, but at the heart of it, they are stopping by just to see you. We (I) need to appreciate that more than we (I) do.

I was going to embed a YouTube video of the dogs, but couldn't figure it out. If you want to see what I'm talking about, go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PA6QiwBhjMQ

Well, enough philosophizing for today. Time to get ready to enjoy a walk to church.

Time

Have you ever thought about how we make Time so important and yet its only an arbitrary idea. Its March 9, 2009 because we as a society have agreed to it. It may be and actually is something else to other cultures. I'm sitting in the Denver airport killing Time before my homeward bound flight. Its 5:48 here and my flight is at 7:25 or 7:35 or maybe later. I flew in this morning and am ready to get on the plane so I can sleep. Several Chicago flights are delayed, making me think that mine will be also. The ticket counter lady said it was on Time. We'll see.

So I just sit here and watch the people and the Time. Its actually like going to the zoo. You have everyone from infants to the elderly, all shapes, sizes and colours. And everyone of them is concerned about Time. Are they early enough, is their flight on time, will somebody at the other end pay attention to the Time so they will be at their destination to pick them up? Again, Time. It's all about Time. I notice this more at at airport, any airport. I also notice that when I'm on vacation or during the weekend when I have nothing going on that I have no idea what Time it is.

I quit wearing a watch a few years ago. I don't miss it. Just one more reason to keep track of Time. What were to happen if we all forgot about Time? Nothing, our machines and technology pay as much or more attention to Time than we do.

I'm 50 years old. I feel like I'm 35. So does that make me somewhere in the middle? My granddaughter will be 8 weeks old tomorrow. My life doesn't really change too much in 8 weeks, her's has. 8 weeks is a lifetime for her, and a blip on my Time here.

I just realized that I'm trying to be profound on little sleep. Maybe that's what I need to be able to be profound. I can tell that I didn't get my afternoon nap today and I'm a little cranky. I've found that there is a direct correlation to the amount of sleep I get and the level of stupidity of the people around me. I think its a good idea for me to keep my headphones on so it limits the direct contact I have with these people. I know, it also limits the contact I have with pretty girls, but in my present mood, that might not be too bad. Who am I kidding, I didn't have a chance with any of them anyway.

So I keep looking at my computer Time and freaking a little until I realize that it's an hour ahead of here. I have a little over an hour before my flight. I should get something to eat because I'm not in the mood for White Castles at midnite. So, we're back at Time. If I'm going to eat, I need to make sure I have enough Time.

Stay Tuned for more.